Joke Thread [Archive] - Montreal Escort Review Board

donbusch

03-17-2003, 08:55 PM

New York City, San Francisco, Miami and Los Angeles bartenders were asked if they could nail a personality based on what you drink. The results:

WOMEN

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

MEN

Cheap Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

donbusch

03-17-2003, 08:58 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

donbusch

03-17-2003, 09:01 PM

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked
her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He
suggested she try withdrawl, douches or condoms.

Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with
three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the
young children.

"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout,
Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

donbusch

03-17-2003, 09:02 PM

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

donbusch

03-17-2003, 09:06 PM

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!.... and O.J walked!

Q: Why doesn't smokey the bear have any children?
A: Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

Q: What do you call a truck loaded with vibrators?
A: Toys for twats.

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant

Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff?
A. They push back harder.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, men will screw anything.

Q: What is the difference between a human sperm and a lawyer?
A: The human sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the the male definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Why did the Australians do so badly in the rugby world cup??
A: Too many sheepless nights!!

donbusch

03-17-2003, 09:11 PM

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":

The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffe-Ring
The Endu-Ring

Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

It is true that love is blind,
but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted"
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition
doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get MARRIED!

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that
the other 50% end in death!

Who would ever remarry an ex-wife?
It's like taking an old carton of milk out of the fridge,
taking a whiff, and saying, "Whooo! That's sour!
I think I'll put it back. Maybe it'll be better later."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I
could have sex 3, 4, or 5 times a week."
"That's very ironic," said the second regular.
"That's exactly why I got divorced."

She was a great housekeeper, too.
When we divorced, she kept the house.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son; EVERYWHERE!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
Dad replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late!

A Married man ALWAYS has the last word...
and it's usually "Yes, dear"

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband
a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him," asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her
mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make
my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful..."
"Mom, I know how to screw him," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne."

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."

Racquelle

03-24-2003, 02:19 PM

Thought I'd throw one in too :)

A business man walks into a tattoo parlor, when approached inquisitively by the tattoo artist he says: "I would like you to tattoo 250 000$ on my penis"

- Why the heck would you want to do that? The artist replied.

The business man answers:

"Well,

- First off, I like to play with my money.

- Second, I like to see my money grow.

- And third, I'd like to see how long it takes my wife to blow 250 000$!!!"

:)

donbusch

03-29-2003, 03:32 PM

LOVE When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE When you share everything you own.
LUST When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE When the bank owns everything.
LOVE When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE When ... uh ... what's a climax?
LOVE When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE When you write poems about your partner.
LUST When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE When all you write is checks.
LOVE When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors
all around.
MARRIAGE When your only concern is what's on TV.

donbusch

03-29-2003, 03:40 PM

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have
evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite
late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the
wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she
preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the
couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then
told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".

"Now take off my bra.

"Next remove my shoes and stockings."

"Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The
next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

Doc Hollidayx

04-08-2003, 04:32 PM

"You know why the french don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is french, people!"-------Conan O'Brien

donbusch

04-09-2003, 11:58 PM

An experienced economist and a not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of shit lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does it and collects the money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another pile of shit.
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this pile of shit I'll give YOU $20,000."
After a brief calculation, the experienced economist eats the shit, getting the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money that we started off with, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."
Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've just been involved in $40,000 of trade."

JimB2you

04-10-2003, 05:35 PM

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, do not resist, do not complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

JimB2you

04-10-2003, 05:39 PM

The parable of the ant and the grasshopper;

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm
and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,
where the news stations film the group singing,
"We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down
to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant
to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in
a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before
a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumble around him
because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in drug-related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood

JimB2you

04-10-2003, 05:42 PM

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

donbusch

04-14-2003, 03:26 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act or rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Told you it's finger lickin' good!!!

donbusch

04-14-2003, 04:47 PM

Osama Weekly Cave Memo:

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster.. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. My Dear Friend, Saddam sent me a box of dates recently & I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my dates were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Yussuf, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and George.

Love you lots & Group Hug,

Ossy

Allan Raider

04-23-2003, 08:59 PM

Q: What do you get when you breed an elephant with a poodle?

A: A dead poodle, split in half.

Allan Raider

04-23-2003, 09:01 PM

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

donbusch

07-24-2003, 04:30 PM

Much to Learn from little Johnny

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"
Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."
"That's very nice," said the teacher," Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That's very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Skyeyes

07-30-2003, 12:13 PM

A man was in a terrible accident,and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his old chap, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be £3,500 for small, £6,500 for medium and £14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'

spartacus

08-01-2003, 03:27 PM

A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."

Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?"

Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk’s glass.

"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.

"Yeah," says the drunk, "but what year?"

spartacus

08-01-2003, 03:28 PM

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

spartacus

08-01-2003, 03:31 PM

A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.

The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.

The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.

Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”

The_Seeker

08-01-2003, 05:57 PM

what do women and the Ford pinto have in common??

when you bang them from the rear they catch fire

spartacus

08-03-2003, 12:55 PM

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them pass the time during their stays. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of prison.” Then he asked the first, "“What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned saying, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin—any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?”

He grinned, pointing to the box, and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...”

spartacus

08-03-2003, 12:58 PM

Three friends die in a car crash, and find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children’ lives."

The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE'S MOVING!’”

spartacus

08-03-2003, 01:01 PM

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”

“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”

The Canadian remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” says the Canadian
“Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“‘Don’t stop.’”

the_rock

01-07-2004, 01:21 AM

Naomi spelled backwards i moan

CoolAmadeus

01-08-2004, 03:21 PM

As you may already know, it is a sin for a taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So this saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time all american women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all american women.

And since the taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-taliban sentiment.

The american government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

It is your patriotic duty

cargo

01-08-2004, 07:38 PM

Don't mix up CBJ (Covered Blow Job) and CBJ (Columbus Blue Jacket).
They both sucks but not in the same way.

Legolas

04-29-2004, 10:32 PM

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the! Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what! , 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan.

willyapd

04-29-2004, 11:00 PM

young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They wereabout to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

willyapd

04-29-2004, 11:05 PM

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

CoolAmadeus

06-03-2004, 10:43 AM

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You gotta love a man like this. Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

:D

CoolAmadeus

06-03-2004, 10:59 AM

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.....

CoolAmadeus

06-03-2004, 11:07 AM

I am not sure if this will work...

CoolAmadeus

06-03-2004, 11:13 AM

OK. A last one for today!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

Disclaimer: These jokes do not necessarily represent my opinion! LOL

:D

dubneerg

06-16-2004, 01:52 PM

Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

FaceMaster

06-19-2004, 08:49 AM

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Dr. Torpedo

06-19-2004, 03:50 PM

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

Dr. Torpedo

06-19-2004, 03:51 PM

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

CoolAmadeus

06-19-2004, 07:41 PM

Sorry Guys, but this one is in French and related to Quebec...
------------------
La veille de sa nuit de noce, Un jeune péquiste écoute les dernières recommandations de son père :

Mon fils, quand tu vas entrer dans la chambre, tu prends ta femme dans tes bras, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FORT !

Ensuite, tu la jettes sur le lit, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FIER !

Puis tu te mets tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU !

Le lendemain de la nuit de noce, son père lui demande comment ça c'est passé

:

J'ai fais comme tu m'as dit.

Je l'ai prise dans mes bras pour l'amener dans la chambre, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FORT !

Puis, je l'ai jetée sur le lit, parce qu'un Québécois c'est FIER !

Ensuite, je me suis mis tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU !

Et puis ? Et puis, je me suis masturbé !!! Parce qu'un Québécois c'est INDÉPENDANT et AUTONOME.
------------
OK, I am Québécois, but not that dumb! LOL

CA :D

metoo4

06-21-2004, 02:05 PM

It's the story of 4 buddies, 1 chinese, 1 white , 1 native and one black dude. They were walking around in a marina, after a party where they had a lot of beer.
Beer doing it's thing, they soon had an ugre to pee that could not wait.
The white guy said "Let's go to the end of the dock and pee in the water!" so, there they go.
They get Mr.Happy out and start peeing...

"Haaa! That feel good!!" said the chinese guy.

"Yea but the water is cold!" said the white guy.

"Cold and deep! said the native guy.

"Not that deep!" replied the black dude!

metoo4

06-21-2004, 02:08 PM

Why is it that blonds never breastfeed their babies?

Boiling their nipples hurt too much...

metoo4

06-21-2004, 02:17 PM

The guy is driving around downtown and he spot a beautiful sw. She looks so hot that he can't resist!
He drive to her and, after settling the technicalities, he takes her to a quiet place and they get ready for action.
Before they start the deed, being honest, the guy warn the girl that he likes to do it "his way" and that she can stop him if she doesn't like it.
The girl doesn't ask more question, agrees and start the work.
After the guy is done, the girl is a bit puzzled: there was nothing special about the session so, she ask him what was supposed to be different? He said that "his way" started after the main event so, she asked what will it be?
The guy replied "Uh... Well... Credit..."

Morality: Ladies, always ask payment first! :D

Avery

06-22-2004, 07:00 PM

1) Excitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, pisses on floor.
7) Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection before pissing.
8) Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15) Efficient - Waits until he has to crap and does both at once.
16) Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
21) Radical - Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.

CoolAmadeus

06-28-2004, 11:32 AM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Doc Holliday

06-28-2004, 11:43 AM

Great one!

This joke reminded me of my ex-wife, when she once mentionned to me that she was late and feared being pregnant. I told her "either you screwed around on me, it's all in your head, or that damn dildo that you've been playing with all these nights must contain sperm!"

Doc Holliday

06-28-2004, 12:02 PM

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He then goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him: "You're on my list, but i presently don't have any room for you," says the devil. "But you definitely have to stay here, so i'll tell you what i'm going to do. I've got three persons here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who gets to leave."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed to the suggestion. The devil then opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and resurfacing empty-handed over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!", said Bush. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and i don't think i could do that all day long."

The devil then led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair, holding a sledgehammer in a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this shoulder problem and i'd be in constant agony if i'd have to break rocks all day long!", lamented Bush.

So, the devil opened the third door, and it this room was none other than Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best (bbbj). Bush stared at this scene in disbelief and finally said: "Yeah, i can handle this. I'm picking this one."

Upon hearing this, the devil smiled and said:

"Ok, Monica. You're free to go!"

metoo4

07-18-2004, 12:47 AM

It's a rich guy who is walking on the street.
He sees a good looking chick coming towards him and can't do anything but notice that she is the most beautifull girl he ever saw.
The closer she gets, the more attractive she looks.
He then notice that her nipples are pointing out tru her top.
Seeing that, he gets so excited that he feel an urge to nibble on these nipples.
He stops the girl and ask her if he could do so, providing he would pay her $100
The guyl look at him, refuse and keep walking.
He look at her going and he figure, let's ask again.
This time, he offer her $1000.
She hesitate a bit but still refuse.
Just as she is leaving, the guy figures "What the hell, it's only money and she's worth it.
So, he calls her back and offer her $10000!
The girl is caught by surprise and doesn't know what to do but finally, she agrees.
They find a quiet spot and the girl takes her top and bra off.
The guy starts to caress the girl's breast, kissing, squeezing and licking.
The girl ask him "Didn't you want to nibble on my nipples?
The guy reply "Yhea but, thinking about it, it's too expensive so I'll pass..."

Flyguy

07-27-2004, 10:57 AM

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

danleo

08-01-2004, 08:45 AM

Originally posted by ElfGoneBad

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

You need more conviction :

I intend to live forever - or die trying.

Tom

08-08-2004, 03:02 AM

Be careful out there!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it . . . . there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

I think I need to play more golf........
Regards,
Tom

PS No underlying meaning here, either way I blame it on the beer......

donnyb

09-08-2004, 11:53 PM

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his

mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he

mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to

wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

She pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand

and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,

"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"

MG_mtl

10-12-2004, 04:14 PM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

metoo4

11-19-2004, 11:19 AM

A guy walks into a bar and orders up 25 shots of tequila.
The bartender says "25 shots!?! Whats the special occasion?"
The guy replied "Today I had my first blowjob"
Bartender says " Wow man, thats great! Here, here's a shot on the house..."
The guy is quick to reply " Listen buddy, if 25 shots isn't gonna wash this taste outta my mouth, i do NOT think a 26th will help!"

metoo4

11-19-2004, 11:21 AM

Two rednecks, Bubba and Billy Bob, were walking through the grassy fields of Arkansas. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence.
"Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?"
He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep.
When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Billy Bob, "Ok, it's your turn now."
Billy Bob pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.

metoo4

11-19-2004, 11:25 AM

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska.
While they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air.
Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.
He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.
He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

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XMAN

11-19-2004, 11:25 AM

3 some gone wrong....way WRONG!!!!!

http://www.sexspanker.com/gonebad.wmv

metoo4

11-19-2004, 11:27 AM

A guy feeling like a little nookie goes to a prostitute.
He asks how much for full sex. She says $20 for the rough version and $40 for the smooth version.
He thinks about this and finally opts for the rough version.
They go into her bedroom and he gets his dick out and stuffs it into her pussy.
And it is rough, very very rough. It is so rough it feels like he has been shagging a tube of sandpaper.
He is curious by now and he pays the prostitute $40 for the smooth version.
She disappears into the bathroom for 5 minutes and when she comes back he gets his dick out...
And it is smooth, very very smooth. He asks the lass what the diffeence is between the two versions and she tells him that for the smooth variety, she scratches off the VD scabs!

CoolAmadeus

01-05-2005, 10:44 PM

I am translating this one from French, so please bear with me...

------------------------------
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After flirting with each other, they got married. Their mariage was, obviously, perfect!

------------------------------
On the night of Christmas, this perfect couple were driving in their perfect car along a desert road, when they noticed someone having problems on the side. Being perfect, they stopped to offer their help. The person needing help was Santa Claus, with his backsac full of gifts.

Since they didn't want millions of kids throughout the world to be deceived at Christmas, the perfect couple decided to take Santa onboard their perfect car and drive him around to help him distribute all of his gifts. Unfortunately, the perfect couple and Santa had an accident...

Only one of them survived... Who was it?

CoolAmadeus

01-05-2005, 10:47 PM

The perfect women survived... Why?

She's the only character in this story to really exist. Everyone know that Santa Claus and a perfect man don't exist, right?

(OK, Women must stop reading the joke here... Men, please continue to the next post)

CoolAmadeus

01-05-2005, 10:49 PM

So, if Santa Claus doesn't exist, no more than the perfect man, the perfect woman was obviously driving... That explains the accident!

By the way, if you are a woman and you are still reading this part, it just proves one more fact of life: Women never listen to what we tell them!

:p :p :p :p :p :p

celinebisous

01-05-2005, 11:07 PM

Well I read that at least the perfect woman does exist :p
So, if Santa Claus doesn't exist, no more than the perfect man, the perfect woman was obviously driving... That explains the accident!

By the way, if you are a woman and you are still reading this part, it just proves one more fact of life: Women never listen to what we tell them!

:p :p :p :p :p :p

EagerBeaver

01-06-2005, 03:33 PM

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=8&u=/ap/20050106/ap_on_fe_st/wacky_warnings

naughtylady

05-13-2005, 07:21 PM

A Pope was dying. He sent a message to the present Canadian
Prime Minister, Paul Martin, and past Prime Minister, Jean
Chretien, to come to his room at the Vatican.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Pope
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both Martin and Chretien were
touched and
flattered that the Pope would ask them to be with him during his
final moment.
They were also puzzled though because the Pope had never
given any indication that he particularly liked either one of
them.
Finally, Chretien asked, "Fodder, what for did you hask de
two of huss to come 'ere?"
The Pope mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go as well."

Gee

06-09-2005, 07:57 PM

An old sicilian man cones to america to visit his 3 grandsons after 20 years without seing them.

He looks at his eldest and exclaims "Tony, what did you eat to become so fat?"

"Well granpa, I really like pasta."

The old man says "Ah, I get it now, It's because you take too big a mouthfull."

He looks at his second granson and exclaims "Mario, what did you eat to get so many pimples?"

"Well, I really like a good pizza"

The old man says "Ah, I get it now, It's because you take too big a mouthfull."

He then turns to his youngest and asks "and you vinny, what did you eat to become so handsome?"

"Me gandpa, I like to eat clitorises."

"What?" the granfather replies, "but those taste like shit!"

"Grampa," vinny exclaims, "it's because you take too big a mouthfull."

femaleluver2

06-14-2005, 05:51 AM

I heard on the radio that this joke was told on Letterman:

The good news is: Michael jackson is a free man; the bad news is: he's going to Disneyland :eek:

BackDoorMan

06-14-2005, 11:06 AM

Avery

06-14-2005, 05:23 PM

The joke is: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking John -- $50"

Not necessarily. Peter, like John, is also an apostle and, in addition, is a slang word for penis.

Questions-girl

06-15-2005, 06:25 AM

Why did the blonde take a piece of sand-paper into the desert?

Becuase she wanted a map in case she got lost.

The_Seeker

06-19-2005, 03:03 PM

one day 2 innocent young kids, a boy and a girl, were playing together in the sand at the beach

the little boy pulls down his shorts and points at his little penis and starts laughing at the little girl saying ... ha ha ... my dad says i have one of these and you don't .. ha ha

the little girl then pulls down her panties and points at her little vagina and says ... ha ha ... my mom says that with one of these i can have as many of those (then pointing at his penis) as i want .. ha ha

TheComte

06-20-2005, 04:59 PM

A little boy asked his Dad one day, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His father responded, "Ah my son, I guess one day you will need to find out,
anyway! Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo
Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, ...........
nine months later, a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said, "You've got
male!"

Medic_565

06-20-2005, 05:30 PM

A woman will stay out all night,come home and tell her husband she was at a girlfriends house all night. He'll call 10 of her best friends, and none of them will know anything about it.

A guy will stay out all night, come home and tell his wife that he was at his friends house all night. She'll call 10 of his best friends; each one of them will back up his story, and two of them will even swear that he's still there.

TheComte

06-22-2005, 11:16 AM

true story or not ?

Denver airport
On of United Airlines flights is cancelled

Everyone has to go to the counter to book on another flight.
One passenger really pissed off, goes in front of everyone and says to the lady that is really HAS to get on a flight NOW and first class...

The lady replies that she'll take car of him in due time like everybody else and please get back in line.

The guy starts shouting at the lady...
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ?"

The lady picks up the PA sytem and says out loud that there is a passenger at the counter that doesn't know his identity, can someone come up the line to identify him...It takes a few seconds before everybody in the line starts laughing out loud...

The guys responds with an heartfelt "FUCK YOU"
To wich she replies that he has to get in-line for that too... :D

femaleluver2

06-24-2005, 03:09 PM

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95.

Can't putt for shit. Got laid though.

:D :D :D :cool:

Hornee

07-02-2005, 09:16 PM

What do you put behind a blonde's ears to make her look better?

Her ankles!

MManour

07-02-2005, 09:26 PM

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. Glancing up as he adjusts his seatbelt, he sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. As he realizes she is heading straight towards him, a cold sweat of nervous anticipation washes over him - and low and behold - she sits down in the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out: "Business trip or vacation?"

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" she replies jauntily.

"Oh my God!" he thinks, swallowing hard, instantly crazed with excitement. "Here is the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, sitting inches away and she's on her way to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!"

Struggling to maintain some semblance of calm, he says casually: "How fascinating. How are you involved?"

"I'm a lecturer", she says, "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, trembling slightly, "And what myths might they be?"

"Well, one popular myth is that men of African race are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to exceed expectations. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Running Bear", the man says, extending his hand, "Running Bear Papadopoulos."

Hornee

07-02-2005, 11:47 PM

A woman goes to a surgeon and asks for an operation, but says she is very embarassed by the operation and that nobody other than the surgeon and herself could know about it.

The surgeon agreed and asked what operation she needed.

She replied "I need my labia reduced in size as they are too big, but as I said I am very embarrassed so no-one can know."

The doctor agreed and did the operation.

When the woman woke up there were 3 red roses beside her bed. She was furious and demnaded to speak to the doctor.

When he arrived she was furious and demanded to know about the 3 red roses and why he did not keep it a secret as it was her wish because of the embarrassment.

The doctor told her not to worry, "The first red rose is from me because I knew you were going throught this alone and I sent you a red rose."

She said "OK, but what about the second?"

The doctor replied "The 2nd rose is from my nurse, I had to have help in the operating room and she sympathized with you and sent the second red rose."

The replied "OK, but demanded to know about the third."

The doctor replied, "Oh the third, that is from some guy on the fourth floor, in the Burns Unit and he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Reppy

07-14-2005, 10:31 PM

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

Magda

07-16-2005, 01:41 PM

oliver: Thank you. Those were hilarious! :D

HonestAbe

07-17-2005, 06:01 AM

When George Bush was elected he secretly called in several Southern Engineers&Architects and told them he was sick and tired of hearing "Redneck" jokes. He told them that it was his desire for them to show the world that Southerners were intelligent and capable of greatness. He asked them to build something that the world would marvel at and thank the southerners for. The engineers&architects assured him they would make him proud, and rushed off to begin their task.

Months later they sent word to W. that they had finished their project and it was a marvel he had to see for himself. W. wanted to see it first so he hopped on Airforce I and was flown to the Sahara Desert where he was greeted by the engineers and architects. He asked them what it was they had built and they told him it was just over the next sand dune. They walked up the dune and when they arrived at the top W. saw a magnificent bridge miles long and hundreds of feet high!

W. was horrified and screamed "A bridge!? In the Sahara Desert?!Theres no water you fools! Quickly, tear it down before anyone else sees it!" To which the engineers and architects replied "But Mr. President we can't, there are a bunch of rednecks fishing from it."

Mauritius

07-18-2005, 01:15 PM

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fly upside down in airplane have crack up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

New Book: Broken Bra Strap by Won Hung Lo.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Juliana

07-21-2005, 10:07 AM

Les blages de Michel Beaudry.

La meilleur facon de se souvenir de la date d'anniversaire de sa blonde, c'est de l'oublie une fois.

Des danseuse parten en tournee et n'apporten que le string necessaire.

La maman chameau dit a son dit a son chamelon: "Mange toute ton assiette, sinon tu aurrais pas de desert."

Botox la beaute a plis reduits.

Si vous etes du genre stresse, permettez moi de vous rapeler de vous depecher, vous aller etre en retard.

Bonne journe et aller au festival just pour rire, ca va vous faire du biem.

Magda

07-22-2005, 06:36 PM

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A man upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A woman told her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire" he replied.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

First guy: "My wife's an angel."
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

I was married by a judge. I should, have asked for a jury.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S. The rest cheat in Canada....LOL! :p

Pinched from this site: http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jan2005/2005_Marriage_Wisdom.htm

HonestAbe

07-23-2005, 04:06 AM

There once was a woman who couldn't ever seem to find a man to marry. She dated and dated but never could find Mr. right. One day she was reading a newspaper and saw an add for a new store which was going to sell men to women needing a husband. A huge selection of good quality men was promised to all women who showed up for the grand opening.

She could hardly believe it, but she was so desperate that she made sure to be one of the first in line on opening day. The doors finally opened and she walked inside. The first floor had a large variety of men and in front of the display windows which they were all behind there was a sign which read "All these men have good jobs." She noticed another sign next to the elevator saying "More men upstairs", but also added "Once you pass on the men on a floor you can never come back to that part of the store again."

She thought to herself that having a good job is important for a husband since she would want to be supported and have her children provided for, but she didn't want to be hasty so she decided to pass on the first floor and see what was on the second floor. So she rode the elevator up and when she got out she saw more men in another glassed in display area with a sign that read "These men all have good jobs and are very sensitive and loving."

She thought to herself a good job and very sensitive and loving is even better since she really wanted a man who would cherish her and their children. But she was still wondering what else was available so she decided to pass again and take her chances on the next floor. When she got off the elevator she made her way over to the display area and read the new sign which said "These men all have good jobs, are loving and sensitive, AND are drop dead gorgeous." She was really excited now and she was thinking about picking a man but she looked at the elevator and was immediately swept away with the idea of what would be on the next floor!

So she rode the elevator to the next floor, but when the doors opened she was shocked to see that it was completely vacant except for a sign which read "There are no men on this floor, it just goes to prove that there is no pleasing some women, please exit the store and never return."

eastender

07-25-2005, 04:31 PM

A lot has been written by posters in various
threads about the GFE.Instead of joining an
on going debate perhaps we would all be better
served by the following that would define the
100% GFE.

INCALL
As you leave she smiles sweetly,hands you a full
plastic bag and tells you to drop it down the
chute on the way to the elevator.

OUTCALL
As she leaves she smiles sweetly and tells you
to clean-up the mess before her next visit.

MASSAGE PARLOUR/FS CLUB
Upon completion and payment she smiles sweetly
and tells you to clean-up the mess before you
leave.

HockeyFan4MSOG

07-25-2005, 06:47 PM

LOL :D

I am going to hell.

Definitely.

naughtylady

07-26-2005, 07:36 AM

ROFLMAO!!! :D :p :D :)

CockAsian69

08-17-2005, 09:07 AM

A man who has been a truck driver for 15 years thinks to himself about how lonely it is driving between provinces each month and colcludes that he needs a companion. While stopping of in a petstore, he asks the owner if he sells anything that would be good company during the long hours he spends on the road."Well sir," the owne replies,"I have here this frog..." And he produces a box with a frog inside.The truck driver exclaims "A frog??? What the fuck can a frog do?" "Glad you asked..." said the pet store owner... "Watch this..."
The pet store owner pulls out his cock, taps the frog on the head and it dives straight to his crotch where it proceeds to suck his cock and swallos the cum. "HOLY SHIT!" says the truck driver... I'll take it!!!

Two weeks down the road (Hehehe pardon the pun) the truck driver passes through Newfoundland where he sees a Newfie on the side of the road hitchhiking. He decides that he needs someone to talk to so he picks the guy up. After about 2 hours of conversation, the truck driver decides it's time to show off his frog. He produces the box with the frog inside, unzips his pants, taps the frog on the head and the frog does it's job. When finished, the truck driver asks the newfie if he wanted to try...
The newfie says "Sure enough... but please, don't hit the back of my head too hard..."

CA

CockAsian69

08-17-2005, 09:24 AM

Three men were on safari in Deepest Darkest Africa when the get lost from their group. While trakking around the suddenly find themselves surrounded by tribesmen.
"Oh thank god you found us"..., the men exclaim, "please help us find our way home..."
The chief is the only man who speaks a little English so he walks up to them and says "You tresspass our land, you now pay price!!!"
After two hours of trekking through even deeper and darker bush (hehehheh now now guys, not THAT kind of bush) they come across an isolated village to which they can see no escape. All three men are tied to a pole in the center of the village and await their fate while the village people confer...
The chief finally walks over to each man and looks them in the eyes. He then speaks up and says to the first man "You tresspass, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The first man looks the chief in the eye and calmly says "I don't want to die. I choose bonga bonga, whatever that is...."
"BONGA BONGA!!!!" The chief yells, and with a roar, all the men run up to the first man and fuck him up the ass HARD while the other two men watch in horror.
After finishing, the chief calmly walks over to the second man and calmy says with a wicked gleam in his eye "You turn! You tresspass and, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The second man looks the chief in the eye and starts to cry. Tearfully he says "I don't want to die!!!" He starts to bawl and says "I choose bonga bonga...."
"BONGA BONGA!!!!" The chief yells, and with a roar, all the men run up to the second man and fuck him up the ass HARDER than the first guy while the other two men watch in horror at times double and even triple penetrating him.
After finishing, the chief calmly walks over to the last man and excitedly says with a wicked gleam in his eye "You turn! You tresspass and, you choose now, DEATH or bonga bonga?"
The last man looks the chief in the eye and defiantly yells "Bonga bonga??? BONGA BONGA??? FUCK BONGA BONGA!!!!! I choose death!!!!" to which the chief answer with a wicked grin "Ahhhhh... DEATH... By BONGA BONGA!!!!"

CA

HonestAbe

08-18-2005, 05:13 AM

A man at a loss for what to get his wife for christmas went to a pet store hoping for an idea. He was approached by a salesmen who asked if he could interest the man in a singing bird. The man agreed to take a listen. The salesman brought out a cute yellow bird and introduced him saying, "This is Chet, sing for the man Chet!" but Chet wouldn't sing. The man was ready to leave when the salesman pulled out a lighter and held the open flame underneath Chets rear end at which time Chet in a beautiful rendition of Nat King Coles' voice sang "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire...

beteferoce

08-23-2005, 04:31 PM

dernièrement des scientifique se sont penché sur le sujet afin de déterminer quelle était la meilleur blague du monde. ils ont donc rassemblé des milliers de blagues de plusieurs nationnalité afin de les tester su r ds cobaye.

dur a croire mais celle qui a provoqué le plus de fou rire fut une blague anglaise

elle va comme suit.

Sherlock Holmes et le Dr Watson sont au camping. Après un bon repas et une bouteille de vin ils gagnent leur sac de couchage pour la nuit et s’endorment.

Quelques heures plus tard, Holmes se réveille et aussitôt secoue son compagnon :

Watson, regardez le ciel et dites-moi ce que vous voyez?.

Je vois des millions et des millions d’étoiles?

Qu’est-ce que cela vous évoque ?

Astronomiquement, répond Watson, cela me dit qu’il y a des millions de galaxies et potentiellement des milliards de planètes. Astrologiquement, j’observe que Saturne est en Lion. Horairement, j’en déduis qu’il est environ 3h. Théologiquement, je vois que Dieu est tout-puissant et que nous sommes petits et insignifiants. Météorologiquement, je pense que nous aurons une belle journée demain. Et vous, Holmes ? ”
Sherlock Holmes resta silencieux une minute puis déclara : Watson vous êtes un imbécile, quelqu’un nous a volé la tente

Nugie

08-25-2005, 07:22 PM

Q: How many cops does it take to push a suspect down the stairs?

A: None. He fell, I swear.

STAR

09-14-2005, 07:36 AM

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face."

joeblow

09-26-2005, 08:23 AM

Un homme arrive chez Cartier, Place Vendôme à Paris, en compagnie d'une jeune femme splendide, et ensemble, ils choisissent un bijou de $ 50 000. pour elle. Au moment de payer, l'homme sort son carnet de chèques et, sans sourciller, le rédige. Le vendeur, lui, est un peu ennuyé car c'est la première fois qu'il voit ce couple à la bijouterie. L'homme s'aperçoit du malaise du vendeur et, avec beaucoup d'aplomb, lui dit : - J'ai le sentiment que vous pensez que ce chèque est peut-etre sans provision, n'est-ce pas ?... - Heu... Eh! bien... - Bien ! Voici ce que nous allons faire : vu qu'aujourd'hui c'est samedi et que ma banque est fermée, je vous propose que vous gardiez ce chèque ainsi que le bijou. Dès lundi, procédez à son encaissement et lorsque le paiement sera honoré, faites livrer le bijou chez Mademoiselle. D'accord ?... Le vendeur, rassuré, donne son aval à cette solution sans l'ombre d'une hésitation, assurant meme, que la bijouterie prendrait à sa charge la livraison du bijou et qu'il s'assurerait en personne du bon déroulement de l'opération. Le lundi matin, à la présentation du chèque à la banque, celui-ci est bien évidemment en bois !!! En colère, le vendeur appelle le client qui lui répond : - Mais ce n'est pas grave ! Cela ne vous a rien couté et moi j'ai baisé tout le week-end !!!... Merci beaucoup pour votre collaboration et sans rancune !

devries

09-26-2005, 08:42 AM

One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?"

The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window.

The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?"

The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up."

eastender

10-08-2005, 05:27 PM

A newfie on his first visit to Toronto takes a walk along Yonge St.

He walks into a bookstore loaded books with and is amazed.

He walks into a record store loaded with records and is amazed.

He walks into a sporting goods store loaded with equipment and is amazed.

This continues for a few blocks.

Then he walks into and empty store with two workmen.Puzzled he calls out,
"what do you sell in here?"

Recognizing the unique Newfie accent,one of the workmen replies "Assholes".

The Newfie pauses and replies "You must be doing real well - you only have two left".

eastender

10-08-2005, 05:41 PM

Ex President Clinton - a known jogger,had a route that took past the edge of the Red Light District.

One day,one of the ladies called out $50.00 as the ex president passed by
surrounded by his entourage of secret service agents.Within a few steps the ex president turned his head and called back $5.00

This developed into a friendly routine,broken only if one of the participants was absent.

One day,Hillary announced unexpectedly that she was joining her husband for his jog.Having no choice and not thinking clearly the ex president continued on with his regular route.

Approaching the edge of the Red Light district,the ex president realized the upcoming problem but it was too late - his only hope was silence.As he passed the the lady he shot her his best "Woman be quiet look" and for half a block he thought it had worked.Then he heard,clear as a bell,a familiar voice, "That's what you get for $5.00".

CantSeeMrHappy

10-08-2005, 08:40 PM

Jewish and Catholic priest walking together on a street.
They see a 10 yr old boy on other side.

Catholic priest says, "Do you want to fuck that boy?"

Jewish priest says, "Sure! By how much?"

. . . . . . .

CantSeeMrHappy

10-08-2005, 08:59 PM

Un jeune couple en voyage de noces organise une semaine dans une cabane sans électricié sur une ferme.

Les fermiers, un vieux couple. La femme dit à son mari, ca fait TROIS jours qu'ils sont là sans sortir. Va leur apporter ce pain, tarte et une cruche d'eau.

Le vieux monsieur cogne à la porte. Plusieurs minutes plus tard, la porte s'ouvre un peu. Le vieux fermier dit, tient ma femme s'inquiète - du pain, tarte et eau.

Le jeune homme dit, merci, pas nécessaire. On vie des fruits de l'amour!

Justement, dit le vieux fermer, arrêter de jeter vos pelures dehors par la fenêtre. Plusieurs de mes oies et canards sont morts!

. . . . . . . . . . .

CantSeeMrHappy

10-08-2005, 09:12 PM

Un policier de la SQ en tant que prof à Terre-Neuve pour des nouvelles techniques policières.

Sur le diner, un newfie sympa dine avec le prof, et ils parlent de sexe. Le newfie dit que c'est devenu plate avec sa femme, manque de piquant.

Le prof SQ dit alors, essaie cette nouvelle technique. Aporte ton fusil, avec des balles à blanc, dans le lit. Au moment critique tire un coup par en haut. Ma femme deviens toute raide et jouie très fort.

Ok, j'essaie cela! dit le newfie.

Le lendemain matin, le newfie est visiblement ébranlé. Le prof le prend à l'écart, lui demande ce qu'il ne va pas.

Newfie dit, j'ai fait comme tu m'a dit. Au moment parfait j'ai tiré un coup. Ma femme m'a mordu le penis tellement fort j'ai cru le perdre, et en plus, elle ma chier plein la figure!

. . . . . . . . . . .

HonestAbe

10-09-2005, 05:31 AM

They aren't used to having to pull their own pants down.

naughtylady

10-09-2005, 04:44 PM

So brunettes can remember them.

HonestAbe

10-10-2005, 04:17 AM

A Brunette on a Saturday night at home alone.

Magda

10-10-2005, 04:56 AM

What is black and blue and brown, with a dash of red?

A brunette who tells too many blonde jokes.

naughtylady

10-10-2005, 01:32 PM

What do brunettes miss out on when it comes to all the best parties?

The invitation.

LongJohn4510

10-11-2005, 05:09 AM

Do Not Steal! The Government Hates Competition

CantSeeMrHappy

10-11-2005, 02:06 PM

A daughter placing her father in an old age home, visiting the first place.

As the head nurse explains the long list of things, the father sits down in the lobby.

Soon he starts to tilt severely to the left. Many nurses walking by, one immediately places a pillow on hist left side so he won't fall.

The father then starts to tilt to the right, same thing happens. Another nurse props him up on a pillow, so now he is sandwiched.

The daughter stops to tell her father, look how nice they are here for you!

He replies, "Dang, why won't they let me FART???"

. . . . . . . . . . .

West Med

10-13-2005, 09:47 AM

Dear Terri,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, l swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking, and you took away my Lightning.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. l guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. l don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Terri."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and a butt like a tortoise shell.

Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this co-ed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.

But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"

It wasn't just her flawless technique or her unending shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch.

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're kissing in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right?, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor?

We've had this old vanity for, what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid. (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself.

That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times.

Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it. And how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby.

In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you, God help me but I do.

Yours,
Bill

CantSeeMrHappy

10-19-2005, 11:29 PM

http://img326.imageshack.us/img326/6255/image001117sv.jpg

:eek: No BBBJ :mad:

travelfreak

10-20-2005, 10:10 AM

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 15th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation'.

naughtylady

11-16-2005, 01:39 AM

I do believe that is Breadman's baby...

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

StripperLover

11-17-2005, 10:16 AM

THE TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking
clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk
replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack and
stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You freakin'
idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!"

Mauritius

11-17-2005, 03:22 PM

> > I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
> > following reasons:
> > I do physical labour
> > I work at great depths
> > I plunge head first into everything I do
> > I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> > I work in a damp environment
> > I don't get paid overtime
> > I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> > I work in high temperatures
> > My work exposes me to contagious diseases
> >
> >
> > Dear Penis,
> > After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
> > you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
> > following reasons:
> > You do not work 8 hours straight
> > You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> > You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> > You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other
> > areas
> > You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
> > order to start working
> > You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> > You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
> > wearing the correct protective clothing
> > You'll retire well before reaching 65
> > You're unable to work double shifts
> > You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
> > completed the day's work
> > And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
> > and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > The Management

ck_nj

11-17-2005, 09:09 PM

A young couple go on their honeymoon. Both are virgins, and they never saw each other naked. They are about to take their clothes off to have sex for the first time.

The woman says, "Don't be startled when I take my bra off. I have very small breasts." And she takes off her bra. The man says, "Honey, they are perfect. They are just fine."

Then he continues, "Honey, don't be startled when I take my pants off. I'm hung like a baby down there (while pointing to his penis)."

He takes his pants off, and the woman gasps. "Oh my! You're HUGE! You are in no way hung like a baby!" she says.

The husband says, "What are you talking about? It's 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 inches long!"

ck_nj

11-17-2005, 09:11 PM

A woman is in the living room reading a magazine. An article in the magazine says that if you tie something around a snoring man's penis, the snoring will stop.

I just so happens that her husband is dead drunk on the couch, snoring loudly.

So she finds a piece of yellow ribbon and ties it around his dick. Sure enough, he stops snoring.

Before going to bed, she goes into the bathroom and finds their dog on his back, snoring as well.

She ties a blue ribbon around his dick, and he stops snoring.

A few hours later, the husband, still drunk and hungover badly, gets up in the middle of the night to pee.

While in the bathroom, he looks down at his dick, looks down at the dog's dick, and says, "Rover! I don't know what the hell happened last night, but we came in 1st and 2nd place!!"

tender35

11-18-2005, 08:45 AM

Do you know what the best thing about dating homeless girls is?
After a date, you can drop them anywhere!

StripperLover

11-18-2005, 10:12 AM

Can you read this?

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

HonestAbe

11-18-2005, 01:13 PM

HonestAbe

11-20-2005, 04:01 AM

Why do Scottsmen like to fuck sheep next to the edge of a cliff?

The sheep push back into it.

HonestAbe

11-20-2005, 04:04 AM

What does a Scottsman's girlfriend say to turn him on?

Baa-aa-aa-aa-aa.

StripperLover

11-24-2005, 12:50 PM

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes " he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%....a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off."
The interviewer then tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 AM.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we sit around scratching our balls.....no point in your coming
in for that."

HonestAbe

11-25-2005, 01:29 AM

If two houses burn down on a Tuesday afternoon and one house is owned by a family of four in Alabama and the other by a family of four in Massachussetts which family is more likely to survive?

The family of four in Massachussetts.

Why?

The parents are at work and the kids are at school.

HonestAbe

11-25-2005, 01:32 AM

What is the last thing usually said by a guy from Alabama before getting into a fatal car accident?

Hold my beer, watch this!

StripperLover

11-29-2005, 09:31 AM

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,
> yells Where in The hell
> have you been;
>
> He replies, I was out getting a tattoo.
>
> A tattoo she frowned.What kind of tattoo did you get
>
> I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,he said
> proudly.
>
> What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking
> her head in disdain;
>
> Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
> dollar bill tattooed on his
> privates?
>
> Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow,
>
> and two; once in a while I like to play with my
> money,
>
> three; I like how money feels in my hand
>
> and lastly; instead of you going out shopping,
>
> you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
> bucks anytime you want.

StripperLover

12-04-2005, 01:48 PM

At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the "test."

Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is:
15 + 6

3 + 56

89 + 2

12 + 53

75 + 26

25 + 52

63 + 32

I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! nearly over..

Come on, one more! ...

123 + 5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

Scroll further to the bottom....

A bit more...

You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.

naughtylady

12-04-2005, 06:35 PM

naughtylady

12-04-2005, 06:37 PM

A couple are sitting beside eachother on the couch when suddenly she looks at him and throws him a good punch.

"What was that for?"

"THAT, was for 20 years of lousy sex."

... a few moments later he smacks her one.

"What was that for?"

"THAT, was for knowing the difference."

StripperLover

12-07-2005, 02:46 PM

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he
noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other
side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the
first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the
biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find Someone
else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

StripperLover

12-07-2005, 03:03 PM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday

HonestAbe

12-07-2005, 06:32 PM

I said brown hammer, Vince said blue hammer, we did this test at the same time. So we are like most poeple on tool but relatively unique on colour? So what does this mean? BUBKIS!!!

I am going to play with my PURPLE VIBRATOR!

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

I said blue hammer too! Purple vibrator sounds like much more fun though! Not for me mind you but for a lady.

spin

12-13-2005, 03:24 PM

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the
cold.
THE END

THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper
with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table
laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of
the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special
from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the
ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity
and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home.
The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around
him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames
it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised
by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, which
promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END

Fat Happy Buddha

12-14-2005, 12:44 AM

A man steps into a doctor's office for his annual checkup. The new young doctor takes one look at the man and says, "My god, you look really terrible."

The man responds, "But I feel good."

The doctor says, "Are you sure? You look really terrible."

The man again responds, "Doctor, I assure you, I feel good."

The doctor is perplexed, so he pulls out his medical dictionary and starts leafing through it. "Let's see," he says, "looks terrible, but feels good....looks terrible, feels good....uh-huh....uh-huh.....yes, here it is. Looks terrible, feels good..........You're a vagina."

Bob Binette

12-14-2005, 10:48 AM

> She was Soooooooo Blonde .
> * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> * She thought General Motors was in the army.
> * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
> * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:"she wrote
> "Sagittarius."
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
>
> She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She tripped over a cordless phone.
> * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
> "Concentrate."
> * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
> * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>
> She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She studied for a blood test.
> * She sold the car for gas money.
> * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
> * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> Left," she turned around and went home.
>
> She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
> * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
> * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> Goes In Front."
> * She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

spin

12-14-2005, 11:01 AM

*She was fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the ones with W's on them.*

HonestAbe

12-14-2005, 11:24 AM

So the local school has a one day fund raiser and there is a contest for who can generate the most money amongst the students.

Most kids raise between $50 -$100, but one particular boy just blows the socks off of all the others by raising nearly $2,000.00 and wins the contest easily.

The Principal congratulates the boy and gives him his prize for being the best fundraiser. During this time the Principal asks the boy how he managed to do so well.

The boy replied "Well, I sold Mouthwash." "Mouthwash?!" the Principal replies incredulously. "Yes" said the boy. "How did you make that much money selling mouthwash in one day?!" asked the shocked administrator. "Well, I found the busiest pedestrian intersection in the city and I set up a chip and dip sample stand." "How did chips and dip make people want to buy mouthwash?!" the dumbfounded Pricipal asked the boy. "Well, every time someone tried a chip with dip they would yell 'Hey that tastes like shit!!' and I would reply 'It is shit, wanna buy some mouthwash?' " :eek:

StripperLover

12-16-2005, 01:39 PM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian & the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope & Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer & a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up & declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, & that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten and I couldn't continue"

Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Bob Binette

12-20-2005, 08:56 AM

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

HonestAbe

12-31-2005, 04:32 AM

An elderly woman tells her Dr. that her husband can't get it up anymore as he has gotten older. She says they haven't made love in years and she desperately wants to be intimate with her husband again. The Dr. says he will give her some Viagra to give to him and to report back how it works out.

She comes back a week later and the Dr. asks what happened.
She tells her Dr. "Well he took it just before we ate dinner one night. About twenty minutes passed and all of a sudden he jumped up out of his chair, threw me on the table and screwed my brains out." "Good!" said the Dr. looking pleased with the success of his prescription, but to his surprise the old woman said "NO, NOT good!" He replied "What do you mean?" and she answered "I'll never be able to show my face in McDonalds again."

StripperLover

01-09-2006, 11:47 AM

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at the Yorkdale Shopping Centre in Toronto, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking 20 something women come to your car as you are leaving the mall and while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Vaughan Mills Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you.

At this point, the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be very careful.

StripperLover

01-09-2006, 12:14 PM

>>I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
>> >would not allow
>> > >me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
>> > >then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside
>> >down on the
>> > >ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde)
>> >asked me what I
>> > >was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
>> >so that the
>> > >Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A
>> >few minutes
>> > >later the Boss came into the office and asked "What >are you
>> >doing ?" I
>> > >told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed

>

>> >out. Go
>> > >home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and
>> >walked out of
>> > >the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the
>> >Boss asked her
>> > >"...And where do you think you're going?"
>> > >
>> > >( You're gonna love this..... )
>> > >

>
>
>
>
>
>

>> > >
>> > >
>> > >She said, ! "I'm g! oing home too, I can't work in the dark!"

StripperLover

01-09-2006, 12:19 PM

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

StripperLover

01-11-2006, 11:30 AM

The wife comes Home early & finds her husband in their master
bedroom
making love to a beautiful,
sexy young lady! > > "You
unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you > do >
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm > leaving
this > house, I want a divorce!" > > The
husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at
least
listen to what happened" > >
"Hummmmm, I don't know,
well it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you
unfaithful pig you" > > The
husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this > young
lady asks for a ride. I saw
her so defenseless that I went ahead
and > allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very
thin,
not well > dres
sed
and very dirty. She mentioned
that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With
great > compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed
up
the enchiladas > that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're > afraid > you'll gain weight;
the poor thing, practically devours them. > > Since she was
very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was >
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I >
threw her > clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I
gave her
the pair of
jeans
that you have had for a few years,
that you can no longer wear because they > are too tight on
you, I also gave her the blouse that I
gave you on > our > anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste. > > I gave her the pullover that my
sister gave you for Christmas that > you >
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave
her the boots
that you > bought at the expensive boutique that you never
wore
again after you > saw > your co-worker wearing the same
pair."
The husband continues his
story . . . "The young woman was
very > grateful > to me and I walked her to the door. When
we
got to the door she
turned
around and with tears coming
out of her eyes, she asks me: > > "Sir, do
you have
anything else that your wife does not use?"

wildonion

01-14-2006, 01:26 PM

Which is better?

1.)
This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "Hey, pal, I don't mind bringing’em one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold."

"Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one stayed home, the other is in Australia, and I’m here in Canada. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened.

With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?"

The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2.)
An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another glass.
The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

StripperLover

01-17-2006, 08:23 AM

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to give him a hand job.

Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him oral sex.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets oral sex?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross.

Fat Happy Buddha

01-18-2006, 07:36 PM

A guy was in a strange town and feeling lonely. He found a brothel and knocked on the door. The madam answered and welcomed him in. However, when she asked him how much money he wanted to spend, he had to admit that he only had twenty dollars.

To the man's surprise, the madam didn't seem the least bit concerned. She took his twenty dollars and told him to go up to Room 2B, where he would find some company. The man went up to Room 2B, open the door and walked in. The room was dimly lit, but after his eyes adjusted he could see that there was a turkey in the corner. "A turkey?" he thought. "Do you mean that I spent twenty dollars for sex with a turkey?"

However, not being one to throw away money, he figured he might as well make the best of it. He walked over, picked up the turkey and had sex with it. After that, he was understandably embarrassed, and he slinked out of the brothel.

A week later, he was feeling lonely again, so he went back to the same brothel. The madam met him at the door and once again asked him how much money he had. He told her, with a slight tinge of pride, that he had forty dollars. "Oh," she said, "That will get you into Room 4B." The man almost ran up the stairs.

When he opened the door, however, there was a small theatre facility with about thirty chairs. On this night the theatre was almost full with men and a few women looking up at a huge TV screen that was showing two men having sex.

He was not happy. He turned to another guy and said, "Forty bucks to watch gay porn? That a bit much, isn't it?" The man turned to him and responded, "Actually, you're here on a good night. Last week they showed a guy having sex with a turkey."

Left Coast

01-19-2006, 12:55 PM

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along; and finally,

10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Mauritius

01-19-2006, 03:34 PM

> >
> >A young guy from Texas moved to California and went to a big department
> store looking for a job.
> >
> >The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >
> >The boy replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
> >
> >The boss liked the boy so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow," he
told the boy," Ill come down after
> we close and see how you did."
> >
> >His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
> >
> >After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked the boy,
"How
> many sales did you make today?"
> >
> >The boy replied, "One."
> >
> >The boss yelled, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day.
> How much was the sale for?"
> >
> >The boy said, "$101,237.00."
> >
> >The boss gasped, "$101,237.00? What the hell did you sell?"
> >
> >The boy replied,"Well,first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him
a
> medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod and tackle box. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so
we went
> down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and
sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
> >
> >The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
> >
> >"No," the boy replied," he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

StripperLover

01-19-2006, 04:37 PM

Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says,
chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right
now and make someone very happy."
Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills
out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and
make 32 million people happy."

CantSeeMrHappy

01-23-2006, 11:18 AM

Blonde driver to a friend,
"I'm so gorgeous, guys even flash their car headlights at me on the highway!"

&*^*&% blonde, left lane on the 20 heading out of downtown, never exceeding 80 - and braking often. Finally got out because a van was doing less than her in the middle lane, just before Dorval circle....
...and Yes, she was Blonde!!!

StripperLover

01-24-2006, 02:01 PM

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
Husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man
Called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

CantSeeMrHappy

01-26-2006, 12:10 AM

Sailor into town meets a hot hooker, asks how much for a hj

- 100 bucks
Whoa, that's expensive!
- You see these boobs? I paid them just with hj, it's that good.
So he pays, and it's wonderful. He's hooked.

Back in town, he searches her out again. How much for a bj?

- 300 bucks
Whoa, that's expensive!
- You see that vintage Camaro parked there? I paid that just with bj, it's that good.
So he pays, and it's wonderful. He's hooked.

Back in town, he searches her out again. How much for fs?

- You see those riverside condos? Not one, the whole complex!
Whoa, so fs must be extremely expensive!
- No, it's what I could buy if I had a pussy...

StripperLover

01-27-2006, 11:06 AM

At times................. women can be a bit insensitive.

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given
this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees,
and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more
time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And
they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls
over & falls asleep.

Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses
& turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in
the morning. You don't."

StripperLover

01-29-2006, 11:03 AM

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she
went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that
she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Left Coast

01-31-2006, 01:25 PM

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and, then asks him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biometry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot, so he walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your I.Q.?"
The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, NASCAR, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns. The robot serves him and asks, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says....very slowly...."So....'ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

donny brasco

02-01-2006, 01:56 PM

I recently picked a new physician. After two visits and
> exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
> "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
>
> He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
>
> "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
>
> Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
>
> I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
>
> "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
> hiking, or bicycling?"
>
> No, I don't," I said.
>
> He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
>
> "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
> He looked at me and said,
> "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?
>
>

pepito_514

02-02-2006, 11:52 PM

Il y a une vieille joke a propos de 5 gars qui sont sur une ile ... est ce que qqn la connais ?

donny brasco

02-06-2006, 01:49 PM

Hillbilly Vasectomy
> >
> >After having their 11th child, a North Georgia
> Mountain couple decided
> >11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger
> bed.
> >
> >So the husband went to his veterinarian and told
> him that he and his
> >cousin didn't want to have any more children.
> >
> >The doctor told him that there was a procedure
> called a vasectomy that
> >could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A
> less costly alternative,
> >said the
> >doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
> (fireworks are legal in the North
> >Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty
> beer can, then hold the
> >can up to his ear and count to 10.
> >
> >The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> smartest man in the
> >world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
> in a beer can next to my
> >ear is
> >going to help me."
> >
> >"Trust me, " said the doctor.
> >
> >So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
> in a beer can. He
> >held the can up to his ear and began to count:
> >
> >"1"
> >
> >"2"
> >
> >"3"
> >
> >"4"
> >
> >"5" ..........
> >
> >At which point he paused, placed the beer can
> between his legs, and resumed
> >counting on his other hand.
> >
> >This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,
> West Virginia,
> >Arkansas and parts of Missouri, and of course
> Newfoundland.

ck_nj

02-08-2006, 09:49 PM

I know this joke is old but I still love it:

Why do Canadians enjoy sex doggie-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game on TV.

:D

CryWolf

02-08-2006, 10:16 PM

So, three guys on their way to a Xmas party are suddenly killed when their car skids off the road during a sleet storm.

All three of them suddenly find themselves in heaven where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"I can't let you in," says St. Peter, "unless each one of you show me something that is Christmasy."

Well, the first guy searches his shirt pockets and pants and pulls out a Zippo lighter and flicks it.

"What's that suppose to be," asks St. Peter.

"A candle," the guys says. "Ok, you can enter heaven."

"Ok, who's next?" asks St. Peter.

The next guy starts going through his pockets and pulls out some car keys and starts to jingle them.

"What's that suppose to be," asks St. Peter.

"They're bells," the second guy says. St. Peter says, "ok, you can enter heaven."

Well, the third guy starts going through his pockets looking for a Zippo lighter or car keys and doesn't find anything. Then, he feels something in his back pocket and pulls out a pair of women's underwear.

"What the heck are those suppose to be," St. Peters asks.

"They're Carols.":D :D :D :D

CantSeeMrHappy

02-09-2006, 02:59 PM

.LOOK
You are in your tiny shabby appartment, on the eigth floor of a rundown complex. You are lying down in your bed that is part bedroom part livingroom. Ahead of you is a computer desk overflowing with unpaid bills, newspapers. Small kitchen flanked by even smaller bathroom.

.GO TO COMPUTER
You are standing over the computer.

.USE KEYBOARD
Lots of clicking noise, but nothing happens.

.HELP
Available commands: LOOK, GO, EXIT, USE, PRESS, TAKE, TURN, TALK, OPEN

.USE COMPUTER
Nothing happens. Perhaps you should turn it on first.

.OPEN COMPUTER
You hunt around your desk, and on the floor, but you just don't find the appropriate screwdriver required to open the computer. Basically, nothing happened.

.TURN COMPUTER ON
Loud beep, turbines churning, computer screen showing cryptic BIOS information. Some ten minutes later, a familiar MW logo appears. Lots of random noises issuing from the computer, as if a party of gnomes were building something inside. Slight smell of ozone.
Another five minutes brings us to the familiar computer desktop, complete with a Start button on the lower left side, and Viagra publicity in a small window.

.OPEN INTERNET EXPLORER
Oh, you shouldn't have done that. There are now hundreds of publicity windows on top of each other, completely obscuring the computer desktop. Some of these publicity windows show naked women in lewd positions, but you only see parts of these interesting pictures, as more windows open on top of those windows.
After just tow minutes of this, the computer rewards you with a bright blue screen and gray white text, announcing that a critical error has occured with a file called EXPLORER.EXE and the computer needs to be restarted.

Strangely, the computer reboots itself on it's own, so you think this a good sign. However ten minutes later the bright blue screen returns, with a different message: File EXPLORER.EXE is missing or invalid, rebooting in 30 seconds...

* GAME OVER *

CantSeeMrHappy

02-09-2006, 03:21 PM

CantSeeMrHappy

02-09-2006, 03:40 PM

.LOOK
You are in your tiny shabby appartment, on the eigth floor of a rundown complex. You are lying down in your bed that is part bedroom part livingroom. Ahead of you is a computer desk overflowing with unpaid bills, newspapers. Small kitchen flanked by even smaller bathroom.

.GO TO COMPUTER
You are standing over the computer.

.TURN COMPUTER ON
Loud beep, turbines churning, computer screen showing cryptic BIOS information. Some ten minutes later, a familiar MW logo appears. Lots of random noises issuing from the computer, as if a party of gnomes were building something inside. Slight smell of ozone.
Another five minutes brings us to the familiar computer desktop, complete with a Start button on the lower left side, and Viagra publicity in a small window.

.OPEN FIREFOX
Your homepage is intelligently set www.merb.ca. You click on the forums, then Montreal Massage. After a few minutes of reading you realize that some places are very popular with many good reviews, one fine example starts with the letter K.

.TAKE DOWN NUMBER
You take down the number of the K massage place.

.USE PHONE WITH NUMBER
A woman with a soft voice answers, saying that there's room immediately if you are so inclined, at least three girls currently available. You can visit their website and choose. You quickly do Ctrl + T to open a new tab, and type K's website address. What you see delights you, and you pick one of the great looking girls.

.TALK OK
She asks for your first name, and confirms that Kimberly is waiting for you.

.EXIT APPARTMENT
You get rapidly dressed and BMW (Bus Metro Walk) to the downtown address that is east of St-Laurent street.
You arrive at the massage parlour, where a gorgeous receptionist greets you, and says shyly no, she does not do massages. You pay the required fee, and she escorts you to a tiny massage room. She indicates that you should get naked and lie down on the table, a shower before is preferred, Kimberly will be here shortly.

.LOOK
It is very dark, damp, just a candle is lit. You are lying naked face down on a semi-soft massage table.
The door opens and a five-foot-six beauty walks in, asking in a womanly voice if you'd like to review the options.

.TALK OK OPTIONS
She gives you a wonderful smile, deep down you know you've made a great choice, albeit an expensive one. At this rate you can only afford to come here once every few months.

* CENSORED BECAUSE SET EXPLICIT IS SET TO OFF *

Congratulations, you have won.
Score 15 / 100
Secrets found: 0
Time 0:3:35

CryWolf

02-09-2006, 07:24 PM

10. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

9. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Toronto and mine is in Montreal.

8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

7. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.

6. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

5. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!'
So I bought her an electric chair.

4. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

3. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

and the Number One Secret to Making a Marriage Last. . . . .

1. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

:D :D :D :D :D

StripperLover

02-11-2006, 11:40 AM

Secret Code

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive",

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of

coded message: 3 7 0 H S S V - 0 7 7 3 H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to the NASA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked the RCMP in Canada (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help.

Within a minute the RCMP cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down".

StripperLover

02-11-2006, 12:50 PM

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety "lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure
as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" -----
Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

Techman

02-11-2006, 06:33 PM

Cette histoire prend tout son sens surtout depuis l’élection de son nouveau chef.
La veille de sa nuit de noces, un jeune péquiste écoute les dernières recommandations de son père tout aussi péquiste que lui :
- Mon fils, quand tu vas entrer dans la chambre, tu prends ta femme dans tes bras, parce qu'un péquiste, c'est FORT!
Puis, tu la jettes sur le lit, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FIER!
Puis tu te mets tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU!
Le lendemain de la nuit de noces, son père lui demande comment ça s'est passé.
- J'ai fait comme tu m'as dit. Je l'ai prise dans mes bras pour l'amener dans la chambre, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FORT!
Puis, je l'ai jetée sur le lit, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FIER!
Ensuite, je me suis mis tout nu, parce qu'un péquiste c'est BEAU! - Et puis?
- Et puis, je me suis masturbé!!!
-Masturbé?!
- Oui, parce qu'un péquiste c'est INDÉPENDANT et AUTONOME et HOMOSEXUEL!!!

StripperLover

02-14-2006, 07:38 AM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 09:34 AM

Life Today (http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/life.wmv)

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 09:41 AM

Heineken Is The Same (http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/HeinekenIsTheSame.wmv)

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 10:09 AM

Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential (http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/Whysexbeforemarriageisessential.wmv)

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 10:37 AM

Oh Canada...

OH, so true

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying CANADIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in CANADA....

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 10:40 AM

Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.""Sure," they said, "You're welcome."So they started play and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply."You're joking!" was the response.

"No, really," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said one of the guys. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house."Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can even see my wife in the bedroom! Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.

He's naked, too. The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then do the neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes."Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

StripperLover

02-15-2006, 10:52 AM

Nooky,

What about the 1st guy ?

StripperLover

02-16-2006, 01:58 PM

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
> of
> water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the
> sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he
> saw
> a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
>
> He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
> he
> had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or
> two
> left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie . BUT
> this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
> complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
>
> "Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
>
> "I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
> Jewish genie!"
>
>
> "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"
>
> The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
> right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and
> drink."
>
>
> ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
> was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>
> "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
>
> "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
> ** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
> coins and precious gems.
>
> "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good
> vone!"
>
> After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
> where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"
>
> ** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
>
>
> He was turned into a tampon.
>
> THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
>
> If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be
> a
> string attached.

Joe.t

02-16-2006, 05:22 PM

Anybody know how to attach a image.gif file to the joke thread from my email inbox?, it is a good one that will have you on the floor laughing if i can get it attached.

CryWolf

02-16-2006, 05:56 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of thebar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality
is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!
:D :D :D

Joe.t

02-17-2006, 12:36 PM

This will make you laugh out loud! Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no
Matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right.You are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches,I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She
said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and
the gizzards!!!

StripperLover

02-18-2006, 12:06 PM

>An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
>nursing home.
>One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
>if there was anything wrong.
>"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today,
>and I am very sad."
>Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
>she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
>condolences."
>The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
>private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
>"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
>like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
>But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that
>my private part died."
>"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
>pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
>"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

StripperLover

02-18-2006, 12:42 PM

> Nurse Can You Answer My Question
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over
> his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
> surgical procedure.
> A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
> "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to
> wash your upper body and feet."
> He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry
> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls
> back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his
> testicles in the other.
> Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them,
> Sir!"
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
> "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
> closely.....
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

CantSeeMrHappy

02-22-2006, 10:20 AM

My favorite is, I went for it and it was worth it.

The Stewie Griffin Soundboard (http://www.dailyhaha.com/_soundboards/Stewie_SoundBoard.htm)

StripperLover

02-22-2006, 11:31 AM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
Into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college hockey team 30 yrs ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

CantSeeMrHappy

02-22-2006, 05:28 PM

(from http://www.docreno.com/noshit.php)
A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where
are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words
and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A GODDAMNED BAR!
THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" . . . . . ...............

. . and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

Techman

02-22-2006, 05:53 PM

You really have to check this video out. It's a short clip but I think it's funny as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/?v=K2tSDHEp7gc

StripperLover

02-23-2006, 08:10 AM

This Old House (http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/ThisOldHouse.wmv)

HonestAbe

02-24-2006, 01:37 AM

Two life long buddies are hanging out one night when one turns to the other and asks, "Do you like having sex with a woman who has stretch marks all over her body? You know, the short kind that weighs well over 250 lbs with a belly roll that makes it impossible for her to see her feet? The kind of woman who sits in front of the TV all day and eats cheese doodles and ice cream. The kind of woman who works up a sweat and runs out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs. The kind of woman who needs help getting up from a sitting position? The kind of woman who has vericose veins all over the back of her thighs with lots of "cottage cheese" dimples? The kind of woman who looks like a waffle when she gets up off a lawn chair. You know, the kind of woman who can't wash between her butt cheeks because she can't reach that far around her back? Do you like having sex with that kind of woman?"

His buddy replies "No, why?"

To which he exclaims in disbelief "Then why are you nailing my wife?!?" :eek:

Jade4u

02-24-2006, 08:05 AM

We went out for lunch, since he was running errands and had a handy car. Sitting at the table waiting for food, I took a playful chomp on his finger. He complained. I hid. A minute later I tried to bite it again, and he gave me a sarcastic look.

"But you put other things in my mouth," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but you won't bite me there," he stated.

"Maybe. Maybe I will," I sniffed in protest.

"Then maybe you won't have a Master," he warned. I thought about that for a few seconds.

"I'd have a Mistress?" :p

He shook his head in defeat, grinning.

PCGuy

02-24-2006, 01:02 PM

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

btyger

02-26-2006, 02:51 AM

At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.

What the f&^%? I said green rake. How the hell do you get a red hammer from math problems?

HonestAbe

02-26-2006, 03:45 AM

What do you call a Hasidic rap group? 2-live Jew.

What do you call an old white guy surrounded by black guys? Coach

What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist. ;)

Whats the difference between a pizza and a redneck? A pizza will feed a family of four.

Whats the best place to hide money from a redneck? Under the soap.

Whats the difference between aspirin and rednecks? Aspirin works.

Why was alchohol invented? So the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

Whats a Mexican Virgin? A girl who can run faster than her brother.

What do you call a woman who cuts people open to get at their insides. A surgeon, you sexist. ;)

naughtylady

03-05-2006, 10:36 AM

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.

She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

naughtylady

03-05-2006, 11:08 AM

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish
to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended
on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one
of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a Bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a
day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to
come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise
their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _____________________

Date:__________________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The
patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. (Sounds like my
kind of Nursing Home)

Hornee

03-06-2006, 11:21 AM

Did you hear that Elton John is getting divorced?

He found out his partner is having sex behind his back.

Hornee

03-06-2006, 11:34 AM

Bald, I am not bald...I am just getting more head!

Mike Mercury

03-06-2006, 03:55 PM

A baby seal walked into a club....

A baby seal walked into a bar. Barman asks "what'll you have?" Seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club"

naughtylady

03-07-2006, 09:36 AM

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,

"Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a
piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,

"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now,
so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked,

"Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just
did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from
in Alabamer we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah
for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Sadie

03-07-2006, 12:18 PM

Okay, since I couldn't read the whole 11 PAGES (!) of this thread, I hope this isn't a repeat, forgive me if it is

So Joe, who works as a builder, is expecting his firstborn anyday now.
He gets to work, and his friend Fred is like, 'How's it going Joe?'
and Joe's like 'Great great, any day now any day!!'
Then his cell phone rings.
He answers it, its the doctor and his wife is in labour at the hospital!
He quickly gets time off, rushes to the hospital, the doctor comes up to him and says 'Sorry mate, you just missed it! She already gave birth!'
So Joe says, 'Wow! Is it a girl or a boy? Can I see him??'
The doctor says, 'Yep! I'll bring him out for you right away!'
The doctor goes into the room, and returns with a bouncing baby 'Its a handsome baby boy!' The doctor is bouncing the baby and throwing him up in the air. Joe is like 'Oh! Please don't do that! He might get hurt! Give him to me!' The doctor is chuckling and still continues to throw the baby, 'Okay!'
He says brightly, 'Here you go! Your beautiful baby boy!' The doctor hurls the baby at the wall, he slams against it and falls on the ground.
'Oh my god!' Joe screams and runs over to his baby son lying on the ground.
'Only joking! Stillborn!' Says the doctor.

Bob Binette

03-08-2006, 08:52 AM

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

StripperLover

03-11-2006, 10:51 AM

Don't you feel like doing this to at least one person a day?

http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/image001.gif

StripperLover

03-11-2006, 11:04 AM

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The

father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out

anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then

I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We

sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that

neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit

the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male

Joe.t

03-12-2006, 07:29 PM

www.filelodge.com/files/room16/396033/image.gif

Doc Holliday

03-19-2006, 04:51 PM

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer in used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Hornee

03-20-2006, 09:31 AM

Bald? I am not bald...just getting more head!

StripperLover

03-24-2006, 07:08 AM

http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/safe.pps

Joe.t

03-25-2006, 03:33 PM

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said "I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will have sex with you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called
her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you
can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell
me what happens".

An hour and a half later, the woman called her girlfriend
back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The woman said, "That Son Of A Bitch had $500
in quarters!

btyger

03-31-2006, 03:36 AM

From Comedy central:

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared instantly, and he put it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forest were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared, and he climbed aboard and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his final wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

btyger

03-31-2006, 04:46 AM

Four guys went golfing. One went into the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, "I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enough that he just gave away a huge portfolio."

The next guy said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well that he just gave away a Porsche."
The third guy says, "I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million dollar home."
As he finishes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, "What are you guys talking about?"
"Just about how good our sons are doing," one of them replied.

"Well, my son is doing very well," said the fourth man. "He's a male escort and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Porsche, and a million dollar home."

btyger

04-01-2006, 02:38 AM

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home from work one day and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him where it came from and he told her he'd won a bet. The guys at the pickle factory bet him 50 dollars he wouldn't stick his cock in the pickle slicer.
His wife was surprised and wanted to make sure he was still intact. He dropped trou and indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
"But what about the pickle slicer," she asked, puzzled.
"Oh, she liked it, too," said the husband.

btyger

04-01-2006, 04:30 AM

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty," she shouted.
"Very good," the teacher said, and Mary went back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Mary didn't even stir. Johnny came to the rescue again, and stuck her with the pin. "Jesus Christ," shouted Mary.
Again the teacher was pleased, and Mary went right back to sleep. Later, the teacher asked Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary leapt up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.

General Gonad

04-01-2006, 08:03 AM

What is the difference between "guts" and "balls"? "Guts" is when a married man comes home late in the wee hours of the morning after partying with his buddies all night. When he opens the door and sees his wife waiting for him holding a broom, he says: "Are you still cleaning or are you ready to fly off into the night?"

"Balls" is when the married man comes home smelling like a woman's perfume. When his wife confronts him, he slaps her ass saying: "Don't worry baby, you're next!"

Fat Happy Buddha

04-04-2006, 05:08 PM

Make sure you pass these words of wisdom on to your children and grandchildren:

http://www.box.net/public/static/h55hdgvrdv.mov

btyger

04-06-2006, 05:15 AM

Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2...E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a hat?"
Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman looked at Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous. "Yeah, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed. "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

StripperLover

04-07-2006, 07:12 AM

Jesse and the Devil:

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I! have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept ! diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"

The Devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Jesse.

The Devil op! ened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said . . . . . . .

(This is priceless)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

StripperLover

04-07-2006, 09:48 AM

Jeff Foxworthy on Quebec

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you live in Quebec

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Quebec.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the
year, you live in Quebec.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you live in Quebec. (Not to mention that mine keeps his long
underwear on until long into June.)

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Quebec .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Quebec.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE QUEBECER IF:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Plattsburg for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back
again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Albany ... (Where's Albany, south of
Newport?)
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Quebec friends.

MakeIt

04-08-2006, 11:38 AM

Oliver

Your list on police comments were great and reminded of another list about Quantas (Australian national airline) aircraft maintenance reports. Obviously these people have a sense of humour.

MakeIt

AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "squawk list," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the squawk list before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

pookiebear

04-08-2006, 11:17 PM

two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slow. - - - - "com-for-da-bul

pookiebear

04-08-2006, 11:19 PM

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week

pookiebear

04-08-2006, 11:21 PM

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

"Where," he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

incognito_NYC

04-14-2006, 11:56 AM

OK - since it's Easter, how about a joke about the Energizer Bunny?

>What happens when you take out the Energizer Bunny's batteries and then put them back in backwards?

-He keeps coming, and coming, and coming, ...... :D

incognito_NYC

04-14-2006, 12:02 PM

Here are two jokes about Easter that I remember got some of my friends back in Catholic grammar school into big-ass trouble!

#1) On the crucifix, above the head of Jesus, is the inscription : "INRI".
What does it mean?

I 'm N ailed R ight I n

#2) Did you hear that Easter is cancelled?

They found the body.

I know, I know. I'm going straight to Hell for that last one.

Je regrete - je suis une Catholique tres mal!

(Is my French correct? - LOL)

Bob Binette

04-14-2006, 12:45 PM

Je regrete - je suis une Catholique tres mal!

(Is my French correct? - LOL)

it is if you're a girl...should be "un catholique" if you're a male.

shaumaman

04-14-2006, 02:14 PM

The Official Quebecer Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Quebecers plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)

• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Quebecers sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

• Italian Cars won't start
• Quebecers drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

• Distilled water freezes
• Quebecer water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Quebecers have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)

• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Quebecers rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Quebecer Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Quebecers pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Quebecers get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Quebecers start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.:)

btyger

04-15-2006, 05:46 AM

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the Ob-Gyn told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call Bill.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There was silence on the other end. Finally she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?"

Candy of Candys Delights

04-16-2006, 09:26 PM

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it ... "I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

:p :p :p

paulo

05-31-2006, 07:18 AM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as
a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be
possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with
them.

incognito_NYC

06-02-2006, 10:08 AM

I found this in my e-mail inbox this morning and just had to pass it on. It was just one of those hilarious e-mails that you get on a Friday morning that start off the final day of the work week with a laugh.

With all the challenges facing the United States these days, here's a way we can solve a couple of problems simultaneously :

1) Dig a moat the entire length of the Mexican border,

2) Use the dirt from the excavation to raise the levees in New Orleans,

3) Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve for you today?

paulo

06-08-2006, 07:04 AM

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Montrealer1

06-08-2006, 10:24 PM

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail Marys! Or another punishment that fits!!

Fat Happy Buddha

06-08-2006, 10:51 PM

Here is a nice post I found in the Guardian:

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

paulo

06-11-2006, 05:50 AM

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You
do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well
before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your
designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking
bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

SMACK APPEAL

06-11-2006, 06:35 AM

Two older Italian gentlemen are riding the bus, talking and telling stories as they usually do. A younger sophisticated lady was sitting directly in front of them. And she overhears this part of their conversation:

"Emma cums first. Then I cum. Two asses cum. I cum again. Two more asses
cum. I cum again. pee pee two times. I cum one lasta time."

The young lady turns around, astonished and says " I don't know where you gentleman are from but in America we don't use such foul and sexually explicit language in front of a woman!!!"

The Italian says "Whoa, lady I was justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi"

SA:D

Avery

06-11-2006, 11:55 AM

Sammy the Sperm was an ambitious little fellow, right from the day he was born. He was bound and determined to be the one out of 500 million siblings that would fertilize that egg when the big moment came.

He watched his diet very carefully, lifted weights, swam till he was exhausted, got lots of sleep, etc. He was in much better shape than the others, and he knew he could beat them to the target.

One day, he felt a pressure buildup, and he knew the moment had come. The surge carried all the millions of sperm along with it, but Sammy used his superior strength, conditioning and endurance to fight his way to the front of the line, and he opened up a huge lead. He was way ahead, and certain to be the first to arrive at the egg.

He looked up, and what he saw shocked him! He mustered all his strength, and managed to stop in mid-stream. With his remaining energy, he started to swim against the flow. When he encountered his laggard siblings who were still on the way out, he yelled, “Get back! Get back! It’s only a blowjob!”

paulo

06-12-2006, 08:03 AM

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

eastender

06-12-2006, 01:56 PM

Which bank or financial institution will be the first to go after the hobbyist market with a Freedom 69 plan ?

eastender

06-12-2006, 01:59 PM

Big fan of the Opus cartoon strip.The following is borrowed from one of the panels in yesterdays strip.

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

paulo

06-13-2006, 09:20 AM

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined,to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in
their tourist garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a blonde stunner wearing a string
bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled
and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both mortified! How in the world did she know they we're priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could
hear them before you saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?", she said.

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"

Techman

06-14-2006, 06:58 PM

http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=10621&display=photoshop

A gallery of photoshopped celebrity photos. Some are guaranteed to make you smile.

StripperLover

06-16-2006, 08:58 AM

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against
fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile
of these great cigars and without yet having made even
his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were
lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.) In
delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars
lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a
$24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES
THINK WE'RE NUTS!

Avery

06-16-2006, 05:47 PM

It's a good story, and qualifies as a joke, but it's totally false. It never happened. People want to believe it because they hate lawyers.

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

naughtylady

06-18-2006, 08:56 AM

A housewife is at home when she hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The
woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked
her.

The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman
decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife,
"Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the
man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding
behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens
the door, he asks if she has a vagina.
The woman says, "Yes".
The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop
fucking my wife."

incognito_NYC

06-19-2006, 09:04 AM

A rabbi walks into a delicatessen at lunchtime and sees the priest from the local Catholic church. He goes over to say hello just as the priest is being served a ham sandwich.

After greeting the rabbi the priest syas, "You know this place has the best sandwiches in town. Just look how much meat they put in there. I usually have to take home half the sandwich because I can never finish it. If you'd care to join me I'll gladly share the other half of my ham sandwich with you."

The rabbi declines saying that he cannot eat ham. The priest asks "Why is it that you can't eat ham any way?" The rabbi replies "It is against my religion."

The rabbi then asks the priest "So why is it father that you do not date girls?" The priest answers "Well, that is against my religion."

The rabbi leans across the table and whispers "You really should try it sometime ... it's better than ham." ;)

paulo

06-20-2006, 11:44 AM

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
bee
sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help
and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in
so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

chef

06-20-2006, 12:00 PM

A harrowed young mother is trying to control her rambunctuous 3-year old son in a bank. Finally she says to him, "be quiet or I'll tell Daddy that you've been a bad boy", to which the kid replies, at the top of his lungs, "And I'll tell Gramma that I saw you eating daddy's peepee".

Needless to say, she fled from the bank.

StripperLover

06-22-2006, 10:55 AM

STORY WITH A MORAL

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men
were considered
some of the world's most successful
of their days.

Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us
if we know
what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
_DIED A PAUPER. _

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
_WENT INSANE. _

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney,
_WAS RELEASED FROM PRISON _
TO DIE AT HOME.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
_DIED ABROAD, PENNILESS. _

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
_SHOT HIMSELF. _

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
_ALSO COMMITTED SUICIDE. _

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the U.S. Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work...
Play golf!